Five Things we've learnt from the Premier League - Week Nine

Chelsea find magic at the bottom of the barrel

For most of the match on Saturday lunchtime, Chelsea looked like a team who had no answers to the questions they were being asked. Watford were more creative, more organised and had the better individuals. 4-1 after an hour would not have flattered them. As it was, the lead was just a single goal and two inspired substitutions won Chelsea a victory that seemed almost impossible barely minutes before. Batshuayi and Willian replaced the frustrated looked Morata and the increasingly more peripheral Marcus Alonso; and Chelsea instantly looked more like a team with a purpose. Whilst it’s easy to see why Batshuayi normally fulfils the understudy role for his team, it is becoming more of a mystery why Conte uses his hugely talented Brazilian so sparsely. Willian, more than anything else, actually possesses the ability to pass a ball that many of his team mates lack (step forward the risible Bakayoko – rarely has any player deserved to be on a winning side less). He played a part in both the late goals and could well have transformed the direction of Chelsea’s season in just a few minutes.

Regardless of this win though, Chelsea cannot continue to defend like this and expect to get away with it. Alonso is having a terrible season, likewise David Luiz. With Kante out of action this looks a side that can be easily got at and with Bournemouth away next… the forecast looks set for more goals at both ends of the pitch.

Bilic on the brink after summer of fantasy football

With the exception of a 20-minute spell, West Ham were dreadful on Friday evening and thoroughly deserved to be beaten by a team that were… well… exactly that. West Ham spent millions of pounds in the summer without managing to improve a single area of their team. Joe Hart is not as good a goalkeeper as Adrian – it was a terrible transfer in every sense of the definition. Out wide they smashed their transfer record for Marco Arnautovic – despite him playing in arguably the one position on the pitch they didn’t need an upgrade for. Antonio and Lanzini remain the club’s best players, and it’s baffling why Andre Ayew, who was the previous record transfer signing, is never given the opportunity to bring his energy and graft for more than 20 minutes at a time. Finally, West Ham bought Chicharito; a signing which looked okay on paper, but so obviously doesn’t fit into West Ham’s style of play to essentially render him pointless. At least the Mexican is trying, which is more than can be said of several others – notably Arnautovic, who turned in the sort of performance after which he should be asked to personally refund every ticket in the ground.

West Ham need a spine back and fast. How Noble and Cresswell aren’t getting in this team is mystifying. Masuaku is a worse left back than Alberto Moreno and if somebody could let me know what Obiang does, I’m all ears. It looks bleak for Bilic from here, but the board have to take responsibility for sanctioning such ridiculous transfers. This is not the first time West Ham have played fantasy football in the market rather than bought sensible players for the positions that needed strengthening. Last time it happened they got relegated. Over to you boys..

Pulis punished for negativity

Do any West Brom fans actually enjoy watching their club play football? Do any West Brom players actually enjoy playing under Tony Pulis? At what point does the board say, look safety is all well and good Tony, but if you could not set us up as if we’re playing Barca away every match it would be nice. This was a truly desperate football match and West Brom got what they deserved for refusing to attack a low on confidence Southampton. You know… at like any point in the match. The game was won by the substitute Boufal, a player who has regularly flattered to deceive since moving to the club last year. Fuck me what a goal though. Picking the loose ball up well within his own half, he skipped past three players before placing it in the bottom corner of Foster’s goal. It was a world class moment in a match that deserved anything but.

As for West Brom? To be honest I’ve already lost interest…

Huddersfield savour their moment

And so in the last 5 months the only teams who have beaten Manchester United are Real Madrid… and Huddersfield Town. This was one of those collective performances of ineptitude which happens every now and again, but the worry for United is that it’s been coming. Since Paul Pogba got injured they have got gradually worse week on week and can no longer paper over the cracks of a midfield that was utterly inept here. In defence, without Bailly and Jones they look weak and Lukaku needs to find his form again and fast. Mkhitaryan meanwhile appears to have completely forgotten how to play football all together.

But take nothing away from Huddersfield – they were more organised, disciplined and had the better players on the day. Jose is rarely effusive about the opposition, but he filled his post-match rant with praise towards the attitude and skill shown by the Huddersfield players. Both teams will now dust themselves off and go again, with for United – all eyes on Old Trafford next Saturday lunchtime and the arrival of Spurs.

Defences sink to the bottom of the Mersey

Two games, a ridiculous 12 goals and 9 of them conceded by teams earning their trade on Merseyside. We’ve been here before with Liverpool. Even Gary Neville can no longer take comic pride in commentating on them, so despairing is he in such collective and individual defensive ineptitude. Spurs were the better side, but Liverpool gave them all four goals on a silver platter with the words “help yourself” on it. Harry Kane finally broke his Wembley curse on what he must have thought was his birthday.

At least Liverpool can take solace that they will likely bounce back from this, and can still attack with threat and verve with the best of them. Even if they continue to regard the art of defending away from home as an inconvenience they frankly don’t have the time for. Everton meanwhile, despite scoring two goals (one great, one just there to remind Arsenal fans not to get too excited) have almost nothing left to cling to. This is a truly terrible Everton team with only Pickford of the summer signings doing anything to justify the fees paid thus far. Indeed, the poor lad probably can’t believe his luck, having seemingly swapped one relegation battle for another.

I never like to see managers sacked (despite being ready to openly cheer the moment Wenger finally… fucking… leaves) but this was the sort of performance from which there is usually no coming back from. Everton weren’t just bad, they were absolutely hopeless. Arsenal had over 30 chances away from home and could have won 20-0 such was their total and utter dominance. The last half hour in particular was the sort of display that makes you want to stand every player involved up against a wall and hurl rotten fruit at them.

Everton and Liverpool currently have only a point more than Manchester United combined. As for City… well… we can all cling to the fact that if anyone can fuck it up from here… City can.

And Spurs.

Team of the Weak:

Hart – Just please stop playing him. Everyone. In the world.
Alonso – A model pro last season. Now just looks like a model who has wandered onto the field of play.
Lindelof – May as well be playing for Liverpool.
Lovren – Error, error, subbed.
Williams – What. Has. Happened. To. Him.
Keane – Everyone said Burnley would struggle without him. They’re currently above both Liverpool and Everton in the table…
Mata – Seemingly giving out charity both on and off the field now.
Arnautovic – Get your wallet out and go for a long walk around the East End matey. No wait actually… better not. Use BACS.
Bakayoko – The worst pass completion rate ever recorded in Premier League History. Just a guess. I don’t know. But it must have been close.
Rondon – I mean, he might be good at another club I suppose…

My god I’ve only got one more spot left. But there were SO many bad players this week. Ah what the hell… let’s just give it to…

Jesus – the most captained player in Fantasy Football. Rested. Played last 15. Missed an absolute sitter. 1 point. Thanks for coming.

#teamkane

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